This is my mess.

ret·ro·gres·sion

–noun 1. the act of retrogressing; movement backward. 2. Biology . degeneration; retrograde metamorphosis; passing from a more complex to a simpler structure.


Funny. Its been my screen name for ages, A word I’d refer to here and there. Fully aware of it’s meaning. Thumbed through my mental library until I landed on the perfect screen name, the most fitting, the one I’D be happy with you, it had to be. You go back and forth, ok ok ok you think, this is pretty much going to say a lot about me. This is the name people will see when we’re having an online conversation. This is what I’ll be. This is me. At the time, chose it for a reason.
It’s echoing now inside me.




(inside me)


I’m doing many forward moving actions. And I’m thrilled.  Ecstatic even. Excited to say the least. Finally taking a giant leap towards what i want to do.

so WHY?





Starting to get tired. Go to the bathroom. brush my teeth. Turn of the lights as I pass them. Call for the cats. Try not to trip as they race me to the bed. Phils there. Talk with him. Get comfortable. Set Alarm. Pet cats. Turn off light. TURNOFFLIGHT> T UR N  OF F  LIG HHTTT ithinkisawsomethingmovewhatsthatnoisethisisthelasthingillseeifidienowdyingisinevitablethisismyonlylifeimterrifiedthecielingisprobablythelastthing80percentofpeopleseebeforedieingmaybeishouldpaintamuralonmycielingidontwanttodieherewhatsthatnoisethatshadowlookslikepersondidyouhearthatwouldacatknowifimaboutodieiwonderifotherpeoplerealizetheywillallbedeadsomedaythishairthisfacetheseeyesihavenowwontbethesameimgoingtogetoldwhatifidontgettodoeverythingiwantalifetimeisntenoughtimeisphilstillbreathingsomethingmovedimterrifiedhowdepressingisthefuckingceilingmyparentsbrothersauntsundlesfreindsfriendsoffriendsomgmyparentsaregoingtodieonedaymyloverwilltooisitgettinghotterithinkthatshadowmovedifigetupwillthesethoughtsgetupandleavewithmemaybeineedairfocusonsomethingelsebutitshardwhenallicanthinkrightnowisthaticantescapedeathitsnotevendeathitsthefuckiingfearofseeingeverythingidoloveandieverythingihavedonebegoneonedaylovewillbegoneonedayiwillbegoneonedayeverythingilovewillbegoneonedayokfocusithinkimhavingaheartattackrightnowwhatwasthatnoisethatshadowdefinetlymovedmaybeifigetupreallyfastillshakethethoughtsoutofmyheadtapyourfootcountthemthatsrealthatshappeningrightnoweverydayimdieingandeverythingiloveisdieingwithmeithinkimgoingtogiveupwhatwasthatnoiseijustwanttosleepimsupposedtorelaxbutrightnowimstaringanimaginaryfuckinggundownthebarrelwhyisthisbackitsfightorflightrightnowineedtogetoutofhereeeeefocusonsomethingrealllll