27th
Day of dilemmas.
Dillema? Dilemma? I don’t know.The more i look at it, the more wrong they both look.
I just got off the phone with my mom. We’re on good terms now. Its a long story (but not really at all, its just really boring) I was a bit peeved with her yesterday.
Its just, i’m getting the feeling that i’m never taken seriously. Now, one must wonder who’s fault it is, and if its mine, WHY THE HECK?!
A “converse with me stew” includes:
1 oz. Relatable
1 oz. stress free
a dash of sugar and spice
1 tablespoon of everything nice
Mix and simmer, garnish with whatever emotion seems to be oozing at the time.
(That last step can be a bit messy)
Bottom line. I had a bad day yesterday. And yes, the bottom line comes before the story because well, now if you choose, you can stop reading. You know how it ends.
1. It was the first time i drove that far away from home on my own.
2. Had no idea how to get there, and had to rely on a robot who doesn’t pronounce things properly, also waits until the last second to tell you your next move.
3. Jury duty for the first time. Nuff’ said.
Unpleasent all over. I wanted someone to RELATE to me. I wanted someone to ASK me all about it and how much it sucked. I wanted a CONVERSATION. And i wanted to FEEL BETTER.
So i go, i go tell someone about it. I wanted it out of me, and well, your family and significant other should always want to listen, so there i went. And when i started to feel better, and thought “Now that this is out of the way, maybe i can tell her i still have panic attacks, maybe i can tell her a lot of things didn’t go away. Maybe, i can open up to her. Maybe i can open up to SOMEONE. I’ve been wanting to tell her for a while because i know she understands. She’ll make me feel better.”
Mom: *Giggles* “You’re over reacting, it’s not that I don’t believe you, Just a bit dramatic don’t you think?”
No Questions. No relating. No conversation. Much feeling worse.
Silence.
(Heart shatters and pumps anger into blood)
Nobody to talk to. Conversations fall short, no matter how excited or saddened or furious i am with whatever an attempted talk session is about. It is never short of passion or interest. And i am ALWAYS interested in conversation, and ALWAYS interested in what other people have to say. Nobody ever responds to these signals. I’M THAT DILAPIDATED MOTEL YOU ALWAYS PASS, ALWAYS BLINKING VACANT.
And then you wonder, “Why’s she so quiet?”
So, i ALWAYS wonder, WHAT THE FUCK IS EVERYBODY TALKING ABOUT?
Is it always just humdrum passer by conversations, those questions you ask but don’t really mean, those subjects you bring up that nobody really cares about.
How you been?
How about this weather?
Nice day huh?
This economy, you believe it?
All elligable with one line answers that mean nothing once they leave the mouth.
I’m sick.
So, my longing to connect is fleeting, which it always is. Comes in waves, back out to sea. My book is closed.
