This is my mess.

ret·ro·gres·sion

–noun 1. the act of retrogressing; movement backward. 2. Biology . degeneration; retrograde metamorphosis; passing from a more complex to a simpler structure.


Funny. Its been my screen name for ages, A word I’d refer to here and there. Fully aware of it’s meaning. Thumbed through my mental library until I landed on the perfect screen name, the most fitting, the one I’D be happy with you, it had to be. You go back and forth, ok ok ok you think, this is pretty much going to say a lot about me. This is the name people will see when we’re having an online conversation. This is what I’ll be. This is me. At the time, chose it for a reason.
It’s echoing now inside me.




(inside me)


I’m doing many forward moving actions. And I’m thrilled.  Ecstatic even. Excited to say the least. Finally taking a giant leap towards what i want to do.

so WHY?





Starting to get tired. Go to the bathroom. brush my teeth. Turn of the lights as I pass them. Call for the cats. Try not to trip as they race me to the bed. Phils there. Talk with him. Get comfortable. Set Alarm. Pet cats. Turn off light. TURNOFFLIGHT> T UR N  OF F  LIG HHTTT ithinkisawsomethingmovewhatsthatnoisethisisthelasthingillseeifidienowdyingisinevitablethisismyonlylifeimterrifiedthecielingisprobablythelastthing80percentofpeopleseebeforedieingmaybeishouldpaintamuralonmycielingidontwanttodieherewhatsthatnoisethatshadowlookslikepersondidyouhearthatwouldacatknowifimaboutodieiwonderifotherpeoplerealizetheywillallbedeadsomedaythishairthisfacetheseeyesihavenowwontbethesameimgoingtogetoldwhatifidontgettodoeverythingiwantalifetimeisntenoughtimeisphilstillbreathingsomethingmovedimterrifiedhowdepressingisthefuckingceilingmyparentsbrothersauntsundlesfreindsfriendsoffriendsomgmyparentsaregoingtodieonedaymyloverwilltooisitgettinghotterithinkthatshadowmovedifigetupwillthesethoughtsgetupandleavewithmemaybeineedairfocusonsomethingelsebutitshardwhenallicanthinkrightnowisthaticantescapedeathitsnotevendeathitsthefuckiingfearofseeingeverythingidoloveandieverythingihavedonebegoneonedaylovewillbegoneonedayiwillbegoneonedayeverythingilovewillbegoneonedayokfocusithinkimhavingaheartattackrightnowwhatwasthatnoisethatshadowdefinetlymovedmaybeifigetupreallyfastillshakethethoughtsoutofmyheadtapyourfootcountthemthatsrealthatshappeningrightnoweverydayimdieingandeverythingiloveisdieingwithmeithinkimgoingtogiveupwhatwasthatnoiseijustwanttosleepimsupposedtorelaxbutrightnowimstaringanimaginaryfuckinggundownthebarrelwhyisthisbackitsfightorflightrightnowineedtogetoutofhereeeeefocusonsomethingrealllll

When i was 15 and i imagined being 21, I couldn’t wait to be there.

Now im 21, remembering 17, and thats where it seems golden.

I have everything i wanted when i imagined being here. I just moved into my own place, with my boyfriend of almost 3 years (disregarding that time in between when we were not together.) a car, and a job.

But i had a dream last night, where i was in my friends old bedroom, the one on Chelsea st. Our clothes were soaking wet and we were taking our squeaky shoes off so we wouldn’t wake anyone up. Standing in the rain at a 711 trying to get someone to buy us alcohol. Smuggling a black plastic bag full of victory into her room. Shuffling through songs from The Postal Service and FATA at a low hum, socially analzying everybody and making realizations, having epiphanies about how we were different.

That, i miss.

what to do what to do what to do

I don’t know.

I’ve been reading too much. All day. All night. Consumed. When i’m not reading i’m daydreaming. When i’m not daydreaming i’m writing. When i’m not doing any of that i’m hoping for someone to come in my life and give me wisdom. Give me insight. Listen to my crazy, understand my thoughts. Understand me.

I’m removed. Its weird.

I’m not here anymore.

Dream.

I was going to Pennsylvania. But it wasn’t the same. I didn’t want to, i ALWAYS want to. It was similiar to my grandparents property. My dreams always have gone there when i’m happy. It’s always my “freedomland.” This was different. It felt bittersweet, i was going but i knew it was not for good. Everybody was there, old friends, family, anyone i had ever seen. It was set up like a camp. I have never been to camp. It was familiar, i know i have been there before. This camp place.  I also know i have no idea where it is. Somewhere i’ve seen maybe, I have the picture stored somewhere in my brain. I was with Charlie, I was driving. I went up up up the driveway to this camp on my grandparents land. Everyone was very welcoming. We were all there for something. We got invitations. TO what? i don’t know. It was fun at first, a slumber party with everyone and nobody had any ill feelings. It was one big cabin, with rows and rows of bunks and lofts. The morning came, and i was showing everybody around. I was the leader. Somebody asked why we were stuck here, i said “we’re never stuck here.”  I was very hard to explain that this place is a vacation, its always a positive place to be. Everyone started chattering, talking about how we’re stuck, if its a prison its the nicest one i’ve been to. I was very confused, i thought this was a big party, a big camp in a great place. “Try leaving” i kept thinking. So, i did, and failed. Suddenly i knew, something was happening, something terrible.  I knew every twist and turn of that land, i could do it. I did. I was very strong, i could feel strength running through me. I was in charge. I went to a market, a little cozy store.

“HOW DID YOU GET OUT?!” someone asked.

“Why was i supposed to stay?” I questioned back. Whats going on i thought.

Somebody was telling me “Its poisened, everyone, everything, she’s poisening it.”

I knew that i had to go on this conveyer to get into the back of the store. This was where i needed to be. I saw a shadow running, and so i followed. It was a wretched woman, hideous at best. She was the one. We were outside now, and i tackled her. The police were coming. She was on the ground, feet spread out and sitting up, i was behind her, holding her arms. I took a credit card out of my wallet, placed one hand on her forehead and forced her head back. The other hand held the credit card, and it came with force at her neck, feeling something similia to a knife trying to cut through ice. A struggle, but once it gets through, its a clean break. I could see right down into her wind pipe and felt the air escaping.

I never killed anyone in my dream before.

Gentleman, a very endangered species.

I’ve realized in many of my relationships, a good man fails to exist.

Protector. Provider. Confidant. Comfort. Safety. Strength.

That always is me.

I have such a battle of thoughts, its getting so gruesome now. Its something i always knew existed but NEVER let it boil over like this.

My problem:

I’m a fixer. I’m a healer.

And i’ve only been in relationships where something is broken, and I can help. And i love it. Because i love them.

Now, after all these years, i’m pretty worn down. I’ve always prided myself on being able to take care of everything by myself, especially myself.

I’m sick of it. I want a hero.

I just want to feel safe with a man. A REAL GENTLEMAN. A classic man. An open my door, pull out my chair kind of guy. Other girls have those kind, they must exist. Never in my life though, and not when they were with me. Someone who wants to protect me, and fight for me.

(Chivalry is never dead)

I want the relationship i’ve always been afraid of.

I just don’t want to be in control anymore.

Short update.

Decided that i’m only going to look at land and properties near my grandparents place. It makes sense. My dream since i can remember was having my own place like that, and so why the heck not. Currently i’m waiting to hear back from them because the lady who owned the property next door unfortunatly died. So, it could possibly be up for sale. Fingers crossed. Though that probably sounds really terrible of me.

And, i’m trying to stay on a mostly liquid diet. Will power is wearing thin. I need some gum or something.

That kind of day huh.

Yes, yes it has been.

So, i’m doing good things, great things! i’m on to something big! This economy flop we’re in is going to be my dream come true moment! My series of unfortunate events is going to be the begining of something spectacular!

*Drum roll pleasseee*

I’m going to look at land, farms, and LOTS of it! This weekend i’m already scheduled to meet a realtor, who sounds so wonderfully friendly by the way, and this place sounds WAY to good to be true, all i can say is, 25 acres for under 80,000$ and between two major cities! I mean C’MON! So, needless to say, all my head can wrap around this whole week is everything and anything having to do with possibly owning my own hidden treasure.

And yes, you guessed it, nobody to share my happy with.

I also might have told my b.f he was boring. I didn’t mean it though. I just meant i’m always at excitement and happy level 10. He’s at like a 3. You see my problem.

Just a lot of ick lately. But i’m happy for me. I’m so happy for me. I’m on to great great things! And thats all that matters i guess…….right?

Sheesh.

Seriously, i love love love the winter, but i want Spring NOW. Right NOW. I want bike rides and dog walks and PENNSYLVANIA! hiking and picnics. C’monnnnnn.

I can’t wait.

Anywho, things are boring. All i think about lately is cooking healthy things and going to parks and all of that longing for spring.

I cook, a lot. I’m thinking about going more in the foodie direction. I’m really into healthy food and nutrition, its pretty much all i surf for on this web wave.

And! The new Nintendo DSi! I can’t wait, comes out in April! I’m going to trade my old one in. It has a camera, and something similar to the wii channel. Maybe they’ll even upgrade and give you total Internet access! I’d die.

OH! And, this weekend i might see Sarah. I’m excited =]

Happy Valentines day.

Doesn’t feel like it.

This is how i feel.

A little peice of me died.

I don’t know why i’m so sad, the teenage girl in me is heartbroken. I am happy too. People in love are wonderful. And they’re probably wonderful. But the words and songs of a person in tragedy…..Despair, longing, passion….tragedy, its real. The chase, the unknown, the fight, its so raw. And exciting. I just hope noone fizzles.

Wednesdays are the longest.

I haven’t written in a while, not because i’ve been busy, but more or less because it’s been boring.

Just a normal work week.

You know what sucks about that? I already know everything thats going to happen. How boring.

This weekend, i’ve got to do something out of the blue.

Oh, this is kind of exciting, i told Charlie if he forgets Valentines day, i’m breaking up with him. I know, it sounds kind of jevunile……..but its not, so back off.

Seriously though, we have not celebrated one thing since we’ve been dating (almost two years.) And for a while i wasn’t aware that that was how it was going to be, so i was writing lovely poems and notes for anniversaries, and making romantic dinners on random days, I even painted a picture of us and cut it into a puzzle. Now i’m just bitter and angry. I’m still painfully romantic, i just don’t feel the need to express it to him anymore. He doesn;t deserve it.

Oh, by the way, he forgot my 21st birthday.

I’m going to repeat it.

HE FORGOT MY 21st BIRTHDAY!

And i thought by then, since we talked about romance and how i feel every time he forgets or does nothing about a day that could be special and made for just he an I, he would have remembered, or don’e something. NOTHING. NOTHING NOTHING.

(i’m obviously over it though)

Oh, and when i said break up with him if he forgets valentines day, i meant remove his balls and cut them in the shape of a heart, and place them in his mouth.

Extreme, no, i like to call it passionate, i mean hey, i am a romantic.

Love ya.

Your riding high in april

Shot down in mayyyy.

I was driving around before, killing some time, clearing my thoughts. Listening to WFUV, and feeling kind of low. And then,

Thats LIFE

(thats lifeeeeeee)

Thats what all the people sayyyyy

Oh, i turned that radio up as high as it could go. Waved my fists, raised my voice, sang along. Shuddered and shaked with every word. Banged on the steering wheel.

So, ol’ blue eyes, you’ve cured me yet again.

I pulled over and stocked my c.d player with all the classics. Sometimes, thats all it takes.

I keep going in and out and back and forth and hot and cold with this.

Everyday i write i really long entry oozing with soul and character and realness, just bleeding personality and struggles and victories and ideas, and wonders. Things that tear at my insides and have me pounding my head against walls, going off into some made up world, where only those creatures, and that life, has the answers.

And then i delete it.

Because after typing it, and slightly getting it out of me….i feel better enough.

Maybe having other people see it? Read it? See a part of me, a part of my insides?

No, no no. I’ll never be ready for that.

In my head.

Today I haven’t spoken many words out loud. Imagination and fantasy has been running wild through me. Its been so perfect, so, so, perfect. I’ve had many a conversations with great people, old and young, past and present, or continued conversations that fell flat in reality. They could have been something. I could have said something witty and on point. I never say it aloud. Its always the day after, or before i go to bed, i’ll think of the greatest thing i could have said. If only there was rewind.  I’ve been in the most magical places, and met the most amazing creatures, and been gracious in the presence of heros and idols. I’ve recieved much wisdom and great advice from people of this world, or from another planet, another life, a world much different, much more simple, or very much complex. I’ve learned so much. Conquered things you wouldn’t even believe if i told you. Made the best of freinds. And this was only one day!

If only i could pull this stuff out of my brain. And make it real. Once i get shoved back into reality, I feel like i’ve lost so much.